BACKLASH
Due to my experience at Shandong University, I seem to have fallen into a state of “low mood” again. The more glorious(辉煌) it was in the past, the more desolate（凄凉） it feels now. I’m not intentionally（故意） complaining about it without reason. The impact（影响） of my time at Shandong University has always been present（存在）, but it’s unpredictable（预测） when it will resurface（勾起来）. This impact essentially stems from(发源于) my belief that I should be engaged in work that matches my educational background. However, the reality is that if you don’t navigate（运作） it yourself, you will end up at the bottom of the system. It has nothing to do with your education or abilities, but solely depends on your attitude.
I have tried many times to persuade myself to change my mindset（心态）, to not be so stubborn（执拗）, and to abide（遵守） by the rules of the system since I am a part of it. However, all these attempts have ultimately（最终） failed. Perhaps life is still bearable（过得去）, and it is not necessary to transform myself into someone I despise for the sake of so-called success. I have also questioned myself: Is it shameful to become someone I don’t respect? At least, in my opinion, if you can’t even respect yourself, what meaning does success hold?
In fact, even today, I feel torn（撕裂）. It’s not about seeking a high-ranking position, but rather, I always feel that I can contribute something more valuable to the collective（集体） or the people around me. Unfortunately, I lack（缺少） the opportunity and platform to do so. I am simply waiting for this chance to come to me, hoping that someone will provide me with a platform to make more significant contributions. I believe that I have inherent abilities that should be put to use（天生我材必有用）, but what have ten years of arduous（艰苦） studying（十年苦读） brought me? On a material level（从物质层面讲）, I am already satisfied. Sometimes, I even boastfully（洋洋得意） call it “financial freedom,” where material possessions（财产） exceed（超过） desires（欲望）. However, my value has nowhere to be manifested（表现出来）, and that is the most helpless（无奈） and unwilling（不甘） aspect. I desire but cannot achieve, and this continues to tear me apart.
I have no intention of negating（否定 ） the people and things around me; it’s just that this kind of dedication（付出） is an insult（侮辱） to me. I can work overtime, but not this kind of overtime（加班）. I can stay up late（熬夜）, but not in this way. I can make sacrifices, but not like this. Since I cannot receive recognition（认可）, I will follow my own path（我行我素）. Since I cannot be understood, I will not explain myself. Since I choose to be myself, I will firmly（坚定） continue on this path. I understand all the general principles, but it’s difficult to control these small emotions. Today, it is because of Shandong University that I feel I am letting it down, and I also feel that Shandong University has not provided me with the guidance（引导） and education I deserved.
Have I truly accepted myself? Have I accepted my current life? It seems that I am content but still have many regrets. I also yearn for the life I want, but I am powerless（无力） to change the current situation. The previous（之前） accolades（荣誉） and deep thinking, which should have been advantages, are now constantly backfiring（回火逆火） on me. It would be better to not have any accolades, to not engage in deep thinking. Perhaps then I could find peace of mind. It’s not that studying is useless; it’s that you are useless. It’s not that education is worthless（无用）; it’s that you are incapable（无能）.
“反噬” can be translated into English as “backlash.” It refers to a phenomenon where a certain force, emotion, or situation has a reverse, negative impact on an individual, gradually eroding, troubling, and weakening their state or emotions.
“反噬”是指某种力量、情感或局势对个人产生逆向、负面的影响，逐渐侵蚀、困扰并削弱个人的状况或情绪。
反噬
因为山大，我似乎又陷入了“low mood”模式，之前有多辉煌，现在就有多凄凉。不是故意在这无病呻吟，山大对我的影响一直都在，只是不定在什么时候被勾起来。这种影响本质上是我认为我应该从事着和我学历匹配的工作，但现实却是，如果你不自己运作，你只会落在体制的最底层，和学历无关，和能力无关，只和你的态度有关系。
我曾多次试图说服我自己，转变一下观念，不要这么执拗，既然在体制里，就得按这里的规则来，可是最终都失败了。也许，生活自认为还过的去，没必要为了所谓的成功，让自己变成那个自己都看不上的人。我也问过自己，成为一个自己看不上的人是一件很可耻的事吗，至少我的答案是，你连自己都做不了，成功了又有什么意义。
其实，到今天依然很撕裂，倒也不是为了谋个一官半职，总觉着自己能为集体或身边的人做一些更有价值的事，可就是没有机会没有平台。我只等着这种机会降落到我身上，只希望有人给我一个做更多贡献的平台。天生我材必有用，十年苦读又让自己得到了什么。从物质层面讲，自己已经满足了，我有时也会洋洋得意的称之为“财务自由”，物质大于欲望即为财务自由。可是自己的价值却无处体现，这才是最无奈、最不甘的事。想又做不到，一直撕裂着。
我无意否定身边的人和身边的事，只是这种付出对我来说是一种侮辱。我可以加班，但不是这种加班，我可以熬夜，但不是这种熬夜，我可以牺牲，但是不是这种牺牲。既然得不到认可，那就我行我素，既然得不到理解，那就不在解释，既然选择做自己，那就坚定的做下去。大道理都懂，小情绪难控，今天就是山大的原因，我觉着自己对不起山大，也觉着山大没有给我应有的引导和教育。
我到底有没有接受自己，有没有接受现在的生活，似乎很满意却还有好多的不甘心，也向往着想要的生活，却无力改变现状。之前的关环，思维的深邃，这本应该成为优势的地方，现在却在不断的反噬着我。不如没有光环，不如没有思考，也许这样反而心安理得。不是读书没用，是你没用，不是学历无用，是你无能。