Life of Infinite Circles

I’m talking about my life, an infinite（无限） loop.

A colleague’s child got into Shandong University. It’s quite difficult for Shandong children to enter that university, so they must have had excellent grades. However, when I saw the posts on my colleague’s social media, I didn’t know whether I should give them a thumbs-up（点赞）. I graduated from Shandong University with a master’s degree（硕士学位） and now work in a similar job. Shandong University students should not be found here, but the fact is that I am precisely（恰恰就是） here.

My thoughts are stirred（搅动） again, and my immediate reaction is why not explore outside? If they could apply to Shandong University, it means their college entrance examination scores were high. Why not choose another province or city to attend university（上大学）? Yet, they still chose Shandong. It’s challenging to break away from the conservative（保守） traditions（传统） and customs（习俗） here. Years of subtle influences（潜移默化的影响） and education could have allowed them to experience something different by taking the college entrance examination elsewhere and to embrace a new environment. However, they deliberately（故意） chose to remain in the same place.

Talking about going out, talking about breaking free（挣脱束缚）—it’s not that I don’t like Shandong, it’s not that I don’t like Shandong University. It’s just that I have been in Shandong for too long, and the pros and cons（优点和缺点） of Shandong are too apparent（明显）. You can use the same word to describe both the good and the bad aspects of Shandong: stability（稳定）. As someone once said, here, becoming a civil servant（公务员） is the ultimate（终极） goal.

I genuinely feel happy for the one who got into Shandong University. It’s not easy for Shandong candidates to get into the university. It’s an affirmation（肯定） of their studies and a reward for their efforts. I reflect on（反思） this, but it’s actually about myself. Suddenly, I also think of my own child. The college entrance examination will be in June 2033, and the application will be in July 2033, which is eleven years from now. If everything goes smoothly, my child will also take the college entrance examination. By that time, I’ll be 50. What will I be doing, and where will they go?

When I was six years old, my father brought our family into the city. Since then, I became a city child. My parents supported my education, and everything followed the rules and went naturally. I got into Shandong University, which brought immense（巨大） joy to my family. It seemed like there was finally someone in the family who could defy destiny（逆天改命）. Indeed, being able to enter Shandong University from a county town was an incredible（极好的） achievement. At that time, I also thought highly of myself and aspired（渴望） to change the world. Step by step, I have come to today. The boy who once believed he understood the world suddenly realizes that the world he wanted to change is changing him, making him feel trapped in an unclear cycle.

The halo of the college entrance examination still exists, but it’s no longer as dazzling. Perhaps I intentionally dimmed its radiance. Now, I even feel that it’s not a halo but rather something embarrassing that I don’t want to be mentioned. In this discrepancy（落差）, there’s recklessness（任性）, helplessness（无奈）, unwillingness（不甘）, and acceptance（认命）. Let alone changing the world, you can’t change anything. The only thing you can do is adjust your mindset and continue with your life. Work diligently（勤奋）, earn money, raise children, get them into college, find a job, keep striving（继续努力）, get married, have children—endless cycle. I lack the courage to break this cycle, even though I long to（渴望） do so and desire to choose a different kind of life. But at the moment, I can’t do it, and it seems that I shouldn’t.

Is it regret（后悔）? Is it a sense of loss（遗憾）? Is it ignorance（愚昧）? Is it fate（认命）? If given the chance to choose again, what would you do? I would go out and explore. Today, I reread “Fortress Besieged” and it remains the same. Most of our desires in life are like this, whether it’s about marriage or career. Those outside the city walls yearn to enter, while those trapped inside yearn to escape.

Marriage is like a fortress besieged:

those who are outside want to get in,

and those who are inside want to get out.

无限循环的人生

我说的是我的人生，无限循环。

同事的孩子考上了山东大学，山东的孩子考上山大挺难的，成绩应该很好，可是看到同事发的朋友圈，我不知道该不该给他点个赞。我是山大毕业的研究生，现在做着一样的工作，山大的孩子本不应该出现在这里，可事实就是我偏偏在这里。

思绪又被撩起，第一反应就是为什么不去外面看看，能报考山大说明高考成绩很高了，为什么不去外面的省市去上大学呢，依然选择山东，这里的因循守旧太难打破了，这么年的潜移默化，这么多年的教育熏陶，本可以通过高考去到另一个地方感受不同，本可以换个环境感受生活，但偏偏还是选择了留在原地。

说考出去，说走出去，不是我不喜欢山东，不是我不喜欢山东大学，只是在山东待的太久了，山东的好和不好都太明显了，可以用同一个词来形容山东的好和不好，稳定。就像有人说的，在这里，考编就是宇宙的终点。

能考上山东大学，真的替他感到高兴，对于山东的考生能考上山东真的很不容易，这是对他学习的肯定，也是对他付出的回报。我感概如此，不过是在感概自己。也突然想到了自己的孩子，2033.6高考，2023.7报考，也就是11年之后，如果顺利我的孩子也要高考了，那时候我50岁了，我在干什么，他又会去哪里？

父亲带着他的家，在我6岁的时候进了城，从那时起我就成了城市的孩子，父母供养我学习，一切都是循规蹈矩，一切也算顺其自然，我考上了山大，家里开心极了，似乎家族里终于有个能逆天改命的人了，是的能在县城考上山大更是一件了不起的事，那时我也觉着自己很厉害，我也想着能改变世界。一步一步的走到今天，那个自认为洞悉世事的男孩，突然发现他曾经要改变的世界正在改变着他，让他感觉困在了一个看不清的循环之中。

高考的光环还在，只是不再那么耀眼，亦或是自己主动遮住了它的光芒，现在甚至觉着这不是光环，反而有些感到难堪不想被提起。这种落差中，有任性，有无奈，有不甘，也有认命。别说改变世界了，你什么都改变不了，唯一能做的就是摆正自己的心态，继续接下来的人生。好好工作，努力赚钱，培养孩子，考上大学，找个工作，继续努力，娶妻生子，无限循环。我没有勇气打破这个循环，虽然我是那么渴望去打破它，我是那么渴望去选择一种别样的人生，可是我目前做不到，似乎也不能做。

是后悔？是遗憾？是愚昧？是命运？如果能重新选择，你会怎么做。我会走出去，去外面看看。今天又重读了《围城》，还是那样，人生的愿望大都如此，对婚姻也罢，职业也罢，城外的人想冲进去，围在成立的人想逃出来。