Marriage to Me

I still can’t avoid the topic of marriage. During the Dragon Boat Festival（端午节） holiday, my wife took our child to her family’s home. Before leaving, there was an issue（问题） with printing the child’s homework. In front of my child, she simply said, “nothing at all.”（啥也不是） Although she didn’t say it directly to me, I could tell from the child’s questioning that those were her words. This phrase（短语） has become her habitual expression（口头禅）, and it feels like a thorn in my throat（如鲠在喉） that I can neither swallow nor spit out. From the beginning, this marriage had many signs indicating（预示） that we were not suitable for each other. I chose to ignore them and believed that people can change. Looking at it now, I was deceiving myself（自欺欺人）. I feel like I have been trying my best to maintain（维持） this marriage, but I am increasingly overwhelmed（力不从心）. It was just a few days ago, after that night, that I suddenly decided not to have a second child. I completely convinced(确信) myself to give up the idea of a second child because this marriage has not yet moved beyond its established pattern. I am becoming more and more uncertain about how far we can go. Having a second child is based on confidence in this marriage, and now I have none. As for her, she has probably dismissed（否定放弃） the idea of marriage and a second child a long time ago. I’m still here, just like in the beginning, indulging in solitary fantasies, and it’s just self-delusion.

What has this marriage brought me? Well, I got married, had children, meeting the traditional standards in China. As for other aspects, I need to think carefully about what they are. Let’s talk about the current situation. I had hoped that my wife could fulfill the roles of a supportive spouse, nurturing our children, and showing filial piety to our parents, but she hasn’t fulfilled any of these expectations. I won’t go into details about being a good companion; I have never felt it. If she doesn’t undermine me, it’s already considered good enough. Not to mention the idea of having an intuitive understanding and cooperating with each other; now when she comes home, she is completely indifferent and lifeless. Besides putting on a smiling face and speaking a few words to our child, I’m as good as air to her. I don’t even want to talk about how she treats me; it’s neither interesting nor heartwarming. The fact that this marriage has been sustained is not because of how she treats me. If that were the only consideration, it would have ended a long time ago. Being a good companion is something she never even wanted, and as for teaching our child, she does want to do it, but she is genuinely incapable of doing it well. I’ve taken over the task of tutoring the child. Initially, I thought she could handle teaching the child in the early grades, and when the difficulty level increased, I would take over. But even in the first grade, she couldn’t provide proper guidance. The child doesn’t listen to her, and even if the child does, it comes with various conditions and time delays. Forget about developing good study habits; now there are plenty of bad habits. Considering the child’s difficulties in handling relationships and integrating into a group, I took over everything directly. I let the child develop on their own, but it’s difficult to achieve under the current educational system. Since intervention is unavoidable, it’s best if I intervene. As for filial piety towards our parents, she is a kind person, and I don’t doubt her desire to be filial. However, I can no longer bear witnessing how she interacts with our parents. She loses her temper regardless of the occasion or the person, and when her face sours, she becomes dismissive and leaves the other person speechless. In this household, besides putting on a smiling face for our child, she doesn’t consider anyone else worthy of her attention. That’s how I genuinely feel.

I have always thought that I have indulged her temper too much, which has led to this situation. Sometimes when we argue, she restrains herself and controls her temper to some extent. But in the context of our ongoing marriage, is this really the method we should rely on? Just thinking about it feels helpless. At present, I have no expectations for this marriage anymore. Everything that comes to mind is negative, and I can’t see any signs of improvement. The only consolation is that she has a fundamentally kind nature. But can a kind nature justify treating the people around you this way? As for this household, let alone any sense of gratitude, there is now resentment deep in her heart. Marriage is the merging of two families, and I always thought I would be an exception. I always believed that I had found true love, but looking back now, I realize how foolish I was.

What should I do next? If I still want to continue this marriage, the first thing I need to do is to no longer tolerate her temper and make her restrain herself. Then, I need to shift the focus back to myself, seek self-improvement from within, and avoid wasting too much energy on meaningless things. I should engage in more learning, reading, and writing. Stocks, law, and writing will be the major areas for me to focus on in the next step.

Lastly, I would like to add that it’s not simply a matter of whether or not to have a second child. When I gave up on the idea of a second child from deep within, I basically let go of any illusions about this marriage. I will take each step as it comes. Let’s not indulge in inner dramas too much. Live each day well and make the most of the present.